thoughts & dreams

as i hype myself up for my upcoming trip to chicago, there have been random thoughts going on in my head. as a result, have been producing some bizarro dreams.

a couple of weeks ago, i was contacted by an old friend i met through my ex from san diego. at first, it was a little strange since i didn't really like any of his female friends. but i found a kindred spirit in her. when she called for him, i found myself chatting it up with her more and more. this was nearly 10 years ago. when he and i broke up in 2001, her friendship meant a great deal to me. it was as if we'd been friends all along sans him.

she moved to chicago for medical school after 2001. chicago is an endearing city to me because i almost made it my home in 1999. my ex got into northwestern for medical school and although he never asked me to move for him, he made inferences to it. for instance, he said med students who have significant others with them do better in medical school. so i started to look for jobs in the area. we made a trip there to find housing. and ended up signing a lease with a deposit made on a quaint 2-bedroom little house by the school. but when it came closer to our move date, he got into the med school at ucsd, which was where we were. he asked me, where do you want to go? since i had a job in san diego and had a place, i told him i wanted to stay. and after his first year at ucsd, he blamed me for having such a difficult time there. i blame him for being such a stupid ass.

anyway, i moved back to the bay area in early 2001. and our friend ended up in chicago after all these years. i lost touch with her when i was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in 2003. i lost touch with a lot of people. recently, she instant messaged me out of the blue. it was perfect timing as i am planning a trip to chicago. sunday night, we found time to catch up over the phone. it was really nice hearing her voice again. she told me that she had contact with my ex about 6 months ago. that he was doing a fellowship at the children's hospital there. and they met up for coffee. weird that he ended up there after all these years. it turns out that he has not changed, at all. but this wasn't news to me.

lately though, i've had these disturbing dreams of getting back together with him. this has happened twice now within this past week. and i don't know why. well, it's from recently being contacted and told that about him being in chicago. really strange as i have nothing but repulsed feelings towards him. second thought, it might be interesting to run into him after all this time.

thoughts on facebook

i hate it. don't get me wrong, it's great to be able to stay in touch with former students, my sister (that i live with) and others who aren't on myspace. but, even though myspace is for 12 y/os, i still prefer it to facebook. facebook is making me so angry right now. grrr!!!

don't get sucked in like i did! thanks sis!

home computer sick

on sunday, my laptop kinda died. it won't start. it says it's missing a file. no more dells for me. no more dells for anyone i know who had one. i'm getting a macbook next. hopefully. i suppose this dell made it through 3 years but still, i'm not ready for it to die quite yet. ugh. i still have files on that thing i need to back up. grrr.

your biggest fan? not quite.

venue: bimbo's
artist: voxtrot & new division
who: alex & betty
when: 30 nov 2007 (friday)
doors open at 8p

the night started off at burger meister in north beach on the way to bimbo's. unfortunately, we found ourselves sitting by the most obnoxious douche bags from the marina. i don't even think they were drunk. not that its an excuse for being obnoxious but it happens. not them. they were totally annoying. we hated them. so did the rest of the patrons there. we ended up staying longer than we should have.

we head over to bimbo's close to 8p. i love bimbo's. it's really a great venue. small enough where the musicians themselves are walking about. that's where i met david gedge from cinerama/wedding present. the sound is awesome. the ambiance is much better than the other venues. you can't beat the girl in the fish bowl either. it's so quaint. and the ladies restrooms are monitored by the coolest lady ever. the only problem is that it's cash only. but there are plenty of atms around so no biggie.

we got there early and scored a nice table off on the side right next to the bar. perfect location if you ask me. it was also a good spot for people watching, more like, stalker spotting. we saw a girl in a hideous dress stalking ramesh and then the rest of the band members. i'm happy to report that, thanks to my awestrickeness when it comes to rock stars that i can only blurt out one thing (along the lines of... i love your music). and then i'm gone.

the opening band was called new division. i overheard someone say that they were supposed to be like joy division. um, wrong division. they were nothing like joy division or any of their one songs. they were all over the place. one song was like toad the wet sprocket, another song was very 80's. the first song was ok but they went downhill after that. they kinda sucked. it's a harsh world out there and i'm not one for pacifying.

voxtrot started off great, as usual. their energy on stage was comparable to the energy in their songs. very jumpy and upbeat. especially their bass player, 70's guy who looks like a cross between topher grace and alex's german bf. more like topher grace though. then, towards the end (thankfully) their ratings fell rapidly. these slutty hags went up on stage and started dancing on stage. not only were they drunk & ugly, they were horrid dancers. ugh, in cheap grotesque sequins dresses. to keep this post brief, voxtrot allowed the sluts to stay on stage and did not seem to realize that we paid to see them, not stupid ugly old dancing sluts on stage. so we left.

rating: ♥ very very disappointing...

5 years ago...

i had a best friend i now refer to as "smella." she was my best friend for over 10 years. we had known one another since middle school. we went to high school and college together. but five years ago, it all came out. her true feelings of me. she hadn't let go of things that had happened in the past and i realized, she would never let them go despite repeated apologies (for no reason really, she too was at fault) and explanations. i admit, i too hold grudges but once i'm over that hump, i forget about it. the grudges i maintain are incidences i can never forgive and therefore, i always say, i prefer moving forward and not backward. they are things that don't get over that "hump."

it's been five years, almost to the day. i still have the chat archive where i last spoke to her, as a friend. the most i've said to her since is a "hi" in passing. but that's been once or twice. you know how your best friend is your worst enemy? well, she was my worst enemy and i didn't even know it. this came out when i confronted her with an email i received from an ex-boyfriend. he wrote to just "let me know" that he and his new gf was meeting up with her and her bf. i immediately forwarded the message to her and asked if he was lying because it couldn't be true that she would do such a horrid thing. he sent this to me a month after telling me he would not speak to me for at least a year. lame, right?

i went to high school with my ex-bf. that's how she knew him too. they weren't really friends though. they became friends when he and i started dating again in 2001. she turned out to be a bit of a counselor to him. bad for me. apparently, this gave her an opportunity to stab me in the back to my at-the-time-bf. which according to him, he was always defending me. at the time, i just figured he was lying. that she might actually talk shit about me to him, of all people. looking back and knowing how much he cared about me, he couldn't have been lying. it was true. she secretly hated me while i loved her like a sister.

during the years, i'd hear things about her and him, together and separately. that he went to her wedding. and that he got married to that gf. i'm happy for him. that he found someone, someone who wasn't me. i also heard that she missed me. despite that, she didn't want to be friends with me again. this makes no sense to me. i do not miss anyone i don't want contact with, and that includes her. i look back and think how stupid i was, to love someone so unconditionally and all along, she hated me. the friendship was not mutual. she said she was more of a friend to me than i was to her. that i held all these high expectations of her and she couldn't take the pressure. it was too much for her. she couldn't hack being my friend. how does one react to this? how could it possibly be resolved? how does one want to continue this kind of friendship? there was one reaction. i was stupid for thinking she was like my sister. i was stupid for loving her unconditionally. i was stupid for thinking the world of her. and last, i was stupid for hoping it was mutual between us. the only thing i could do was abruptly end the conversation and mourn the loss of a terrible friendship. how could i have been so stupid?

i have not spoken to her since. and would prefer it stays that way. i don't miss her. i'm glad that she is no longer my friend. as a matter of fact, having her out of my life has made my life much better. it's made me realize what friends are supposed to be like.

actually, my best friend kelly, has helped me with this as well. our friendship is not only uncondi- tional but there are no problems with high expectations, it's just a given. there's mutual respect and love between us. it's an ideal friendship. the best part is, we've been friends since 1986 and it just gets stronger.

response to comments on my last post

dear anonymous commentator:

thank you for stopping by and for your uninformed note. perhaps your green-eyed monster should retract her fugly head (and snide comments) and return to hiding.

what i would like to know is... what the hell is wrong with being ecstatic about having had a brilliant surgeon who did his job magnificently? i still have thyroid cancer. a bit of sensitivity would be nice from someone who's been there.

christ, what the fuck is wrong with you?

omg, he lied!

back in april, i met this stanford grad student at popscene. he was really cute and pretty assertive. i remember asking him how old he was, as i always do. he said he was 26 and i remember thinking, good, that's one year older than ted. but the other day, i was on the stanford system (because i have access) and looked him up.

it turns out that he lied about his age. and is actually 22 y/o, not 26. that's 3 years younger than ted. 1983. i'm 9 years older than he is.

oh. my. god. i'm such a cradle robber!

t-c haters unite

i don't know about you but i hate tom cruise. as a result, i vowed never to watch any of his movies. i no longer watch the old ones i've seen when they are played on tv. and under no condition do i watch any of his new releases. i didn't think much of him when he was in top gun, what was the big deal? he's a little guy with a big nose. but it wasn't until i saw him in interview with a vampire as lestat did i start to respect him as an actor. but that seemed to have been it, so i reckon it was just a spoof role.

not only do i find him utterly repulsive but i grew to disrespect him even more when he and nicole kidman separated. if someone like nicole kidman married him, there must have been something i overlooked. but then they broke up and all my evil thoughts of him returned and stayed. he's had awful taste in women since. especially his current flavor of the month,. could katie holmes be any more annoying? what's with her talking only on one side of her mouth? does she have some sort of speech impediment?

recently, i read some very funny comments made by the legendary lauren bacall. apparently, she's a t-c hater too. i'm glad i'm not the only one who thinks he's a horrendous actor...

jerk in the lame yoga class

yesterday, i went to my usual step class at the gym. the class before is the lame piyo (pilates-yoga) class. the instructor erma yelled at me and others previously, so until i can, 1) yell at her for being such a sucky yoga teacher or, 2) make her cry for being such a sucky yoga teacher, then i will always come to this step class bitter and give erma dirty looks. sure, i wrote a letter to her boss complaining about her but she's still there, isn't she?

as soon as the class starts getting up from their rest phase, i make my way in to get my step, risers and weights. the step is this big clunky bench that i usually drag with one hand while i have the risers in my other hand. while the music is still on, the piyo class is over so i drop the step and it makes this loud clash on the floor. then, to my left, i hear someone say, can you be any louder? i look over at this jerk and say, actually, i can. i proceed to get my weights and he walks by right as i get back to my step. i then throw my dumbbells on the ground barely missing his feet and say to him, is that loud enough for you? then he walks off saying something about not wasting his time blah blah blah.

if you're going to throw something at me, just because i'm a small person don't think that i won't throw 10 things back at you.

lame cowboy on the caltrain

what is the deal with strangers listening in on other people's conversations? especially those with funky cowboy hats and feel at liberty to make rude comments. spike and i were on the caltrain on friday afternoon and this guy interrupts us as we were chatting amongst one another...

me: ...i was in high school when that '89 earthquake hit.

lame cowboy: wow, i was in kindergarten when that happened... boy, i feel much better about my age.

lame cowboy should know that it is not okay to say what he said. my response should have been: at least i look much younger AND better than you ...

but alas, i am too nice. ;)

election day & another 4 years in hell

don't even get me started on how the hell 59.6 million people can be so stupid. alas, i have decided i don't want to understand.