it's been five years, almost to the day. i still have the chat archive where i last spoke to her, as a friend. the most i've said to her since is a "hi" in passing. but that's been once or twice. you know how your best friend is your worst enemy? well, she was my worst enemy and i didn't even know it. this came out when i confronted her with an email i received from an ex-boyfriend. he wrote to just "let me know" that he and his new gf was meeting up with her and her bf. i immediately forwarded the message to her and asked if he was lying because it couldn't be true that she would do such a horrid thing. he sent this to me a month after telling me he would not speak to me for at least a year. lame, right?
i went to high school with my ex-bf. that's how she knew him too. they weren't really friends though. they became friends when he and i started dating again in 2001. she turned out to be a bit of a counselor to him. bad for me. apparently, this gave her an opportunity to stab me in the back to my at-the-time-bf. which according to him, he was always defending me. at the time, i just figured he was lying. that she might actually talk shit about me to him, of all people. looking back and knowing how much he cared about me, he couldn't have been lying. it was true. she secretly hated me while i loved her like a sister.
during the years, i'd hear things about her and him, together and separately. that he went to her wedding. and that he got married to that gf. i'm happy for him. that he found someone, someone who wasn't me. i also heard that she missed me. despite that, she didn't want to be friends with me again. this makes no sense to me. i do not miss anyone i don't want contact with, and that includes her. i look back and think how stupid i was, to love someone so unconditionally and all along, she hated me. the friendship was not mutual. she said she was more of a friend to me than i was to her. that i held all these high expectations of her and she couldn't take the pressure. it was too much for her. she couldn't hack being my friend. how does one react to this? how could it possibly be resolved? how does one want to continue this kind of friendship? there was one reaction. i was stupid for thinking she was like my sister. i was stupid for loving her unconditionally. i was stupid for thinking the world of her. and last, i was stupid for hoping it was mutual between us. the only thing i could do was abruptly end the conversation and mourn the loss of a terrible friendship. how could i have been so stupid?
i have not spoken to her since. and would prefer it stays that way. i don't miss her. i'm glad that she is no longer my friend. as a matter of fact, having her out of my life has made my life much better. it's made me realize what friends are supposed to be like.
actually, my best friend kelly, has helped me with this as well. our friendship is not only uncondi- tional but there are no problems with high expectations, it's just a given. there's mutual respect and love between us. it's an ideal friendship. the best part is, we've been friends since 1986 and it just gets stronger.
